I miss you

I want to talk about this, but yet I don't.  I want to share better news, but yet I can't.  I want to sit and cry in my bed all day, but I have a family to take care of.  I want to still be pregnant, but I'm not.

I was planning to share some wonderful news with everyone in a couple of weeks.  I had an idea of how I was going to tell people.  I had known I was pregnant fairly early.  We had already told our families and were just waiting until the 12 week mark to tell everyone else.  But now I will share my heartbreak, which is still fresh and new and painful.  My words may not make sense.  My mind may be scattered.  My heart may be completely broken.  But my God is bigger and will help me and the rest of my family get through this.

I was 9 1/2 weeks pregnant.  I went into the doctor on September 7th for my first prenatal appointment.  It started out as normal.  They took my weight, blood pressure and gave me a "goodie" bag of all the fun magazines and a pamphlet of what to expect during your pregnancy.  I talked with the nurse practitioner about how I was feeling and my previous pregnancies.  Then I was given an ultrasound to determine my exact due date.

According to all the dates, at that time, the baby should have been an 8 1/2 week old fetus, but the ultrasound showed it was only a 6 1/2 week old fetus.  The nurse practitioner told me that it was ok and maybe our dates were off or I got pregnant later than the "calendar" said I should have.  However, we saw a heartbeat or something "pulsating" (the nurses word) on the screen.  She went and talked with my doctor and they decided they wanted me to come in the following week to see an ultrasound tech just to make sure everything was ok and to ease my mind a little.

Friday afternoon (September 16) I went into to see the ultrasound tech.  She asked me some routine questions and then proceeded with the ultrasound.  She turned the screen away from me right away and I knew that wasn't a good sign.  She did a lot of clicking and looking and clicking some more.  I watched her face for a while for some kind of response, but there was none. I knew in my heart what the answer was going to be anyway. I didn't want to start bawling on the table so I started to look around the room and pray for everything to be ok.

I prayed a lot last week.  I prayed that God would take care of the baby and prepare me for whatever the outcome was.  I thanked him for already knowing the outcome and for having everything under control.  Even though I felt very much out of control.

After clicking and looking she said she was going to turn on the doppler for a moment.  Pure static.  No noise of a heartbeat, no wavy lines across the screen.  Flat line static.  Then the tears started falling.  I wanted to wake up from my horrible nightmare.  I wanted to see what was happening.  I wanted to say good-bye.  I wanted to go home and cry and hold my boys and tell them I loved them.  Sometimes I feel like I'm overreacting.  Sometimes I feel stupid for not knowing that I wasn't pregnant anymore.  I know that miscarriages happen often.  My doctor told me 20% of pregnancy end in a miscarriage, but those are other people, not me.

She eventually turned the screen so I could see and she could explain to me what she was seeing.  She saw no activity of a baby.  No more blood flow, no more movement, no more heartbeat.  She was very caring and told me in as nice of words as she could find that my body had and was prepared for a baby, but the baby just didn't make it and she was sorry to be the bearer of bad news.  I said I understood and would be ok.  She was very kind and told me I could stay as long as needed and when I was finished I could go sit in the lobby and wait for them to come get me so I could talk to my doctor.

I didn't want to go sit in the lobby.  Everyone would be staring at me and my bright red, bloodshot eyes and my blotchy skin.  But I pulled myself together and went and sat in the lobby, but as soon as my butt hit the chair the ultrasound tech called me back into her office and let me sit in there so I could have some privacy.  I was so thankful because I was already getting lots of stares.

My doctor came in a few minutes later and told me what to expect.  I know it's not easy to tell someone that they lost a baby and I was very thankful to both the ultrasound lady and my doctor for any information they could give me.  I know it's their job and they probably do it often, but this was my first and I'm thankful for the way they explained things and let me know what to expect.

As soon as I was done I left as fast as I could.  By this time I just wanted to be in the comfort of my home.  Thomas had been at soccer practice and wanted me to text him right away with the results.  The hardest text I've ever written was "we lost the baby."  I didn't want to hit send.  That would make it real.  We'd been looking through baby name books and had told our families.  I didn't want to say it was over.  But I sent it and then started the texts to everyone else.  We lost our baby.  He or she was now in heaven.  God was holding them now and I would have to wait my turn.

Arriving home was tough.  To see my boys playing and having fun knowing that I will never get to see that from this baby.  I hugged my boys and cried.  I'm sure they were wondering what in the world was wrong with me.  Garrison did ask why I was crying and all I said was I was sad.  That was good enough for him.  He just hugged me back.

I know I'll be ok.  I know God has us in his arms, but for now I hurt.  We hurt.

__________________________

I wrote this days after finding out we had lost our baby.  It has been two weeks now and I am okay.  The weekend after we found out we lost the baby was a crazy one.  We had lots of activities and I over did it a little, but God showed me and is still showing me that he is in control.  Looking back I can see many ways he prepared me for the loss even before I knew there was anything wrong.  I've spent my fair share of crying and praying and I am at peace and have enormous comfort though our wonderful Savior.

Thomas and I have decided that we will remember our baby by framing the only picture we have of them- a little ultrasound picture of him or her at 6 1/2 wks when I was able to see them for the first time and saw that little heart beating away.  (Thomas did not come with me to either appointment.)

I wish that I could meet our baby here on earth, but I love thinking that they are being taken care of by the greatest one- Jesus.  He gets to hold them, kiss them and love on them now.  And one day I'll be able to do the same and you better believe I'm going to be making up for lost time.

We didn't tell many people that we were pregnant or that we had lost them, but to everyone who knew - thank you for your calls, cards and prayers.  They have meant the world to us.  We are so blessed to have people who love us dearly and we love you all back.